I haven't posted in weeks. So much has happened to me. My husband is still away, somewhere. Sophia and I got to see him a brief moment at the base, when he was switching planes. It was a surreal moment, to see him walk out of one plane, blow a kiss to us and board the other plane. I have to continue to be strong for Sophia, who is having a hard time with him not being around. I never realized how lonely I am without him. I find myself glued to CNN, that gives me hints of where he is.

My father who is the world to be, has been hospitalized for weeks, due to several heart attacks, a stroke and a list of so many other things. They have not been able to stabilize him, so everyday is a emotional roller coaster for my family. My father is our driving force in my family and to see a man that was once so strong, be down to 85 pounds is ripping me apart. My whole life has changed in a blink of eye. My daughter is with a nanny round the clock now. I take a red eye flight every morning to get to my father and then I fly home in the evening to put Sophia to bed. My only communication is with doctors, nurses, my driver and my security guard who is with me round the clock. I am native american indian, my father is the elder of my tribe who is greatly respected and honored, his position in my tribe is of a high honor, so that is why a security guard has been by my side, as a honor to my father and for my protection at this time, because my father, has requested for me to take care of the tribe if something should happened to him. And this position is only to be replaced by a male, not female, so I'm ducking alot of arrows. I have never been so tired, confused, scared, lonely, and mentally drained before in my life. I want my father back! I want my husband back! I want my daughter back! I know God is carrying me at this time, because he keeps pushing me forward and blessing me with incrediable strength. But there's moments when I 'm tired of being so strong. I don't know how to handle all that has been put on my plate. I'm trying to be strong for everybody, my brothers, my family, my tribe and my daughter. I want to scream, I had to sell my business, because I'm not able to keep up with it. My brothers have fallen apart, so I trying to keep them functioning, I'm taking care of the entire tribe at this time and that is another reason for the security guard, because some decisions I have made, have a few indians not to happy. I'm handling my fathers large estate and home. I'm trying to keep my life in control and I'm trying to keep my daughter's life in some sort of balance. I just want to crawl into a corner and scream. And I have a security guard who stands over 6'7" and is constantly singing the theme from the Love Boat. Reason #574, why I'm close to the edge.

I just want God to bring my father's soul and spirit, peace. I don't know how I am going to be able to go on without him. But I don't want him to hang on and suffer. I want to tell him it's ok to leave me, but I can't. I just can't!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I just can't!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I took the day off from everything to be a mom and Sophia is glad to have me home, but Mr. Love Boat keeps giving me the count down, its close to boarding a plane, so I'll be next to my father to watch him sleep and then a red eye home.

The guilt is tremendous, how is all of this effecting Sophia. She tells me she is ok and she loves the nanny and she is glad that I'm there when she wakes up and goes to sleep. But its not enough for me. I miss my daughter.

All thoughts and actions have just become so jumbled.

I see many years of therapy coming my way or the Jerry Springer Show.

Reason #575, why I'm close to the edge, Candy Pants, told me she would run things at my home to help me, if need be!!!!!!!!!!

Need I say more!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!