This morning we wake up to a beautiful day. So I decided to walk Sophia to the bus stop. We cut through my neighbors backyard, which everybody does. Sophia says mommy do you see what I see. I look up and there's my 80 something year old neighbor, naked at his patio door, doing leg lifts! Before I can shield my daughters eyes, Sophia asks "mommy was he holding a snake!" As a mother in shock. All I could sing back to my daughter was, "all around the mulberry bush, our neighbor is choking his weasel!" Now for the rest of the day, I pray my daughter is not in school singing the song, mommy was singing. And there will be no more short cuts for us.

So today I'm lunch mom and traffic mom, and I was notified that I'm now in a different traffic location. Great! watch on the news for a unexplained traffic jam.

And to end my evening its my turn to host story time. Once a month a mommy in the neighborhood, has the kids over for snacks and a bedtime story. This evening there will be 10 screaming kids in my living room and this will also include Candy Pants and her adorable daughter good n plenty. I am suppose to read Dr. Suess, but I'm thinking I should read something from the Exorcist and have a priest over to throw some holy water around.

This weekend Sophia planted her lollipop tree. We take a lollipop, plant it, sprinkle the ground with fairy dust (glitter) and before the school year ends. Mommy finds a tree branch, with branches attached. The last day of school, I secure it into the ground and I tie lollipops to the tree. So when she gets off the bus, she is surprised to see her lollipop tree!! I am going to be sad when she finally out grows all of this, but hopefully she will hold these memories in her heart forever.
Sophia spent her weekend playing practical jokes on mommy. I will admit she was good. We went to a friends house for dinner on Friday. And Sophia and her cousin were playing on the floor by my feet. I get up and fall flat on my face, with my dress wrapped around my waist (its not the 1st time, I've been caught with my dress around my waist, but this was a family dinner). My angel had tied a string around my chair legs and table. Saturday I'm doing cake deliveries and complaining to Sophia all day, about this heavy business case that Mommy has to carry. That evening I'm still complaining but now to soldier boy, out of the corner of my eye I see Sophia removing bricks, from my bag that she put in! Sunday night, I'm getting into the bed, I start screaming and pull back the sheets, it's Sophia rubber snake that she smeared some sort of goey substance to. What do I hear coming from her room, laughing!

I can't wait for her to get off of the bus today. I got her back. For lunch I filled a cupcake with pureed broccoli and peas and attached a note "got ya-mommy loves you!"

During dinner last night my husband announced he found a perfect vacation for us. Sophia and I looked at him with excitement, as she's screaming "where Daddy, where!" He leans forward and says he found a family survival camp. Where we'll live in the woods for a week, learning how to survive with just the basics. Sophia is so excited, she is looking at this as a adventure. I'm sitting across from him with a you've got to be kidding look. then he tells me, he would like to start trying different ways in duct taping my breasts down. Because if we get lost in the woods or separated, he won't have to worry about me being physically attacked by other men if I also look like a man. This is what he calls a family vacation! I don't find being in woods, worrying if I'm going to be gang banged a vacation. What kind of post card do I send to family and friends. Where the hell is this camp-Bagdad? When my husband served time in the military do you think he walked through some sort of a chemical cloud. I didn't react, I just kept eating and told him we would discuss it later. All I could think of was our honeymoon that he planned.

For our honeymoon I was told that all I had to do was pack sandals, swimsuits and shorts. So I'm thinking a exotic island somewhere. But we passed the airport. So I'm thinking cruise. But we passed the docking area for ships. Our honeymoon was at some kind of resort in the woods, somewhere! As I'm getting out of the car, I'm noticing wheel chairs and canes. This idiot that I just married, booked our honeymoon at a camp for the blind. His reasoning for this was we would be in the woods where he feels at peace and where he can relax, not me, him; he got a good deal for the week, because the resort lowered the rates because a convention for the blind was booked this week and also he thought I could service him anywhere at anytime, because everybody was blind!!!!!!!! I lasted 2 days at this camp.

And now he's hoping to plan another vacation where he wants to change my gender for a week. All I can say is Thank God I was blessed with a sense of humor.

Every year Sophia and I plant a magic garden. In my garden I pretend to plant seeds, but I don't. In Sophia's garden, I buy any seed that says ex-large, like sunflowers and giant marigolds. When we are done, we water and sprinkle her garden with fairy dust (glitter). As the garden progresses over the summer, Mommy's garden does nothing, but Sophia's magic garden is plentiful. Its wonderful every summer to spend time together taking care of her magic garden.

And then the rest of the evening we spent in the backyard playing baseball with several of the neighborhood kids. We were able to get through several innings without fights, cell phones ringing and the text messaging breaks.

And then, a dark cloud appeared!!! (now's the time to play the theme music from Jaws). The game stops! All the kids come to a dead halt and then they all start dialing on their phones. Sophia starts running towards me. I quickly turn around to see who is walking in the backyard. Its Candy Bar's daughter, Good and Plently. So this is now my hint that Candy Bar should be coming soon, spreading her chocolate kisses. Then the other kids parents start appearing. Don't get me wrong I love kids, but Good and Plenty is the child from hell. At 4 yrs old, she will call you names you never heard of, she has a right hook like George Foreman and for some reason Good and Plenty has the gift of lifting a leg and peeing on you (because her mother doesn't believe in underwear!!!). Within a matter of seconds, a bat was thrown, rocks were flying and a shoe flew past me as I was trying to get Sophia in the house. My backyard has emptied out in moments. And there stood Good and Plenty naked. When and how did this kid get naked. So I run outside to grab her and this kid landed me in the face with a right hook, that knocked me clear backwards to the ground. So now I'm crawling as quickly as I can, because I know what comes next, the pee trick. So as I'm getting up, who's infront of me, Candy Bar, asking me why is her child naked and why is my lip bleeding, as she is adjusting her toostie pops that are falling out of her shirt. In the meantime my husband is now outside, telling me a good leader never falls in front of the troops. Are you telling me there were no witnesses to what this demon seed did. I politely told Candy Bar that it was best that Good and Plenty stay out of my yard for awhile. We come into the house, and GI Joe tells me the puffy lip looks good and if I've ever looked into fat injections and that he was proud of me because I used self control when under enemy attack. I don't mean to be obscene here, but I'm being honest, I punched him in the balls and took my ice pack and put my daughter to bed, sadly explaining to her, that the way Good and Plenty acted was not exceptable behavior for a little girl.

Mark, my words, its going to be a long hot summer in suburbanville, USA

I really wish I could hook up cameras throughout my neighborhood. So you could be apart of my reality. There's something wrong with my neighborhood! After school yesterday, a little neighborhood boy sang outside my front door. One love song to my daughter for 45mins. Till finally I had to call his parents to help peel him off of my house as my daughter hid in the closet mortified. They thought it was cute. I didn't think 45 mins of a song by a group called poison was proper to sing to a 7 yr old. 45 mins. of "I want action, tonight, I want satisfaction tonight!" Sophia left for school today telling me if he even looks at her, he's going to get a fat lip. (I'll be sitting by the phone waiting for a call from the principle).

Half hour later a neighbor called me to come over to her home to talk. Boy did she talk. For one hour I had to hear every detail about her sex life. Everytime I got up to leave, she continued with another story. After the visit I didn't know if I should: a) take a cold shower b) call Dr. Phil c) light a cigarette (and I don't smoke)

As I'm running out of her house. I stop dead in my tracks. Parked across the street from my house, is Miss Candy Pant's car. She hops out and starts dancing, doing this bump and grind thing against her car. It's apparent she's in heat. I look over to my house and there is my husband and daughter sitting on the porch. Thats why Miss Candy is heating up her bars!! I run up behind her and ask her if she needs me to put up a pole. She looks me up and down and Miss Bit of Honey, struts down the street. Of course my attention is now on GI Joe sitting on the porch.

As I'm crossing the street to get home. Another neighbor is calling me from his window, he needs me to come over its a emergency. I walk into his house, he's standing there in a thong swimsuit, a hot pink thong swimsuit. (MY EYES!!!!!!!!!!). His boyfriend his taking him to Greece for vacation, he wants to know if he looks hot!

I stumble back across the street to my house, my eyes and ears have been exposed to, to much. I couldn't even eat dinner. The whole neighborhood just seemed sexually over charged yesterday.

As I'm putting Sophia to sleep. She asked me why our neighbor was rubbing against her car like that. I told her she had fleas. Sophia's reply was "does she need a flea collar" I kissed her goodnight and told her that was a wonderful idea, that Mommy would buy her a flea collar and then neuter her in my spare time.