My day started off great, intil Candy Pants, slammed her moving car in front of me this morning as I was walking home from the bus stop. I don't know why this person gets to me. I don't know why I allow it. I don't even know why I feel threaten by her, but I do. I wish I knew how to post pictures. I'm angry with myself because I have allowed this person to ruin my day. I have to get out of this house and calm down before I pick up my daughter. My sister is on her way over and we are off to get brazilian body waxes, maybe laying on a table while someone is ripping at my cat house, will soothe the beast.

My husband is gone for fleet week. My Friday was spent as class mom enduring field day. Then it was a race to do traffic mom and then a mad dash to meet and greet Sophia at the bus stop. I got to take a quick breather and then its off to our state park because Sophia is in a bug club, inwhich GI Joe is in charge of, so guess who had to take his place as head bug! For 1.5 hours I had the honor of keeping my eyes on 5 kids gone wild in the woods, while collecting bugs. I had kids in trees, as 1 kid ran up the hill, 1 would be running down the hill, not to mention the kids in the river. If I was smart I would have packed my bra and underpants with raw meat, so a grizzly or big foot would have taken me out of my misery.

On Saturday, Mr. Hermit crab died, Sophia spent the morning crying as mommy tried to explain he's in hermit heaven. Whats the next best thing to do, a funeral. We got dressed up to go in the backyard, where Mr. Hermit was put to rest. Several hours later Nemo-1 the goldfish is belly up. We're back in the backyard, where we now lay Nemo-1 to rest. As soon as I take my dress off, Sophia is screaming Nemo-2 the fighter fish is hanging out of the cats mouth. Now I have a fish on the floor and a child who is flipping out. What does a mommy do. I scotch tape the fish back together and put Nemo-2 back in the tank. Don't try this at home because it doesn't work. So we are in the backyard a third time to lay Nemo-2 next to Nemo-1. By the end of the day I'm emotionally drained.

Sunday, I felt so bad for my daughter, I invited her friends over for a water fight and a b-que and to my surprise, everything went well, everybody had a good time. As the sun is setting, I'm enjoying quiet time on the porch reading Sophia a book. When we hear one of our cats howling. At this point I don't know whether to laugh or cry. This cat has a BM stuck halfway out of his butt. So I make Sophia hold him down, while I put on rubber gloves, lube him up and start pulling. Try doing this without vomiting or cursing. Job done and its lights out!!!

Monday morning starts off with the death of Mr. Lizard and my daughter with tears in her eyes for the 4th time. She no longer wants to hear the circle of life story or her animals are with the The Crocodile Hunter. And personally I can't handle seeing her this upset anymore. But to top it off, Sophia requests that I perform CPR! Is there no limit to my suffering. I put on rubber gloves and press on Mr. Lizards chest several times. Much to my amazement he is not responding. So what does a good emergency nurse do. I put Mr. Lizard on life support till my husband gets home. I taped 2 earphones to his chest, which are plugged into the radio, while light FM is playing. To make matters more insane, my daughter made me insert a juice straw in this mouth to help him breath.

GI Joe is going to have to handle this one, I'm done!! At least there are no more tears and I'm taking this poor child to the beach for some sun and fun. When we come home, I will contact Mr. Lizards family to let him know time is limited.

Happy Memorial Day everyone!!!!!

I give up!! Last night was suppose to be storytime night at my house, my family raced through dinner, I made kid friendly snacks, I even made take home goody bags. Everybody arrived on time, so as the kids are lined up to walk into our home, I hear "your momma's ass smells!" (Thank God, he wasn't talking about me, he was talking about another mom's smelly ass). All in a matter of seconds, there's a pile up of kids, fighting on my front lawn. There's kicking, screaming and the F word coming out of every mouth including parents as we all are scrambling to separate these children. We finally have a moment of peace and the pollyanna that I'm trying to be, opens my mouth to tell these brats, that there will be no fighting in my house and we must learn to love and respect one another. What was I thinking! Because at the end of my sunshine speech, I was shot in the face with a water gun!! And then round two starts. This ended with a police siren going off in front of my house, because one of these darling children dialed 911 from their cell phone. Needless to say the kind officer thought it was best that storytime be cancelled and everybody go home. Thank God!!! As usually I put Sophia to bed explaining to her that what went on outside and the language was not exceptable behavior and should not be mirrored in anyway. Her reply to me was "Mom, he was telling the truth, she does have a smelly butt and if you get close enough to it, you can see smoke."

Is my neighbors behind, smoking? And what kind of toxic fume is being expelled. I'm going to have to check into this. And do you believe this continued at the bus stop this morning with the parents. Apparently smelly ass was accusing another neighbor that his son started it. I put Sophia on the bus and sat with the bus driver, while this was going on. But do you know where my focus was? My focus was of smelly ass, I was looking for smoke! The argument was getting out of hand, so I removed my daughter from the bus and drove her to school.

What is wrong with my neighborhood? Sometimes I wonder if I'm in the middle of some sort of lab experiment.

This morning we wake up to a beautiful day. So I decided to walk Sophia to the bus stop. We cut through my neighbors backyard, which everybody does. Sophia says mommy do you see what I see. I look up and there's my 80 something year old neighbor, naked at his patio door, doing leg lifts! Before I can shield my daughters eyes, Sophia asks "mommy was he holding a snake!" As a mother in shock. All I could sing back to my daughter was, "all around the mulberry bush, our neighbor is choking his weasel!" Now for the rest of the day, I pray my daughter is not in school singing the song, mommy was singing. And there will be no more short cuts for us.

So today I'm lunch mom and traffic mom, and I was notified that I'm now in a different traffic location. Great! watch on the news for a unexplained traffic jam.

And to end my evening its my turn to host story time. Once a month a mommy in the neighborhood, has the kids over for snacks and a bedtime story. This evening there will be 10 screaming kids in my living room and this will also include Candy Pants and her adorable daughter good n plenty. I am suppose to read Dr. Suess, but I'm thinking I should read something from the Exorcist and have a priest over to throw some holy water around.

This weekend Sophia planted her lollipop tree. We take a lollipop, plant it, sprinkle the ground with fairy dust (glitter) and before the school year ends. Mommy finds a tree branch, with branches attached. The last day of school, I secure it into the ground and I tie lollipops to the tree. So when she gets off the bus, she is surprised to see her lollipop tree!! I am going to be sad when she finally out grows all of this, but hopefully she will hold these memories in her heart forever.
Sophia spent her weekend playing practical jokes on mommy. I will admit she was good. We went to a friends house for dinner on Friday. And Sophia and her cousin were playing on the floor by my feet. I get up and fall flat on my face, with my dress wrapped around my waist (its not the 1st time, I've been caught with my dress around my waist, but this was a family dinner). My angel had tied a string around my chair legs and table. Saturday I'm doing cake deliveries and complaining to Sophia all day, about this heavy business case that Mommy has to carry. That evening I'm still complaining but now to soldier boy, out of the corner of my eye I see Sophia removing bricks, from my bag that she put in! Sunday night, I'm getting into the bed, I start screaming and pull back the sheets, it's Sophia rubber snake that she smeared some sort of goey substance to. What do I hear coming from her room, laughing!

I can't wait for her to get off of the bus today. I got her back. For lunch I filled a cupcake with pureed broccoli and peas and attached a note "got ya-mommy loves you!"