I haven't posted in weeks. So much has happened to me. My husband is still away, somewhere. Sophia and I got to see him a brief moment at the base, when he was switching planes. It was a surreal moment, to see him walk out of one plane, blow a kiss to us and board the other plane. I have to continue to be strong for Sophia, who is having a hard time with him not being around. I never realized how lonely I am without him. I find myself glued to CNN, that gives me hints of where he is.

My father who is the world to be, has been hospitalized for weeks, due to several heart attacks, a stroke and a list of so many other things. They have not been able to stabilize him, so everyday is a emotional roller coaster for my family. My father is our driving force in my family and to see a man that was once so strong, be down to 85 pounds is ripping me apart. My whole life has changed in a blink of eye. My daughter is with a nanny round the clock now. I take a red eye flight every morning to get to my father and then I fly home in the evening to put Sophia to bed. My only communication is with doctors, nurses, my driver and my security guard who is with me round the clock. I am native american indian, my father is the elder of my tribe who is greatly respected and honored, his position in my tribe is of a high honor, so that is why a security guard has been by my side, as a honor to my father and for my protection at this time, because my father, has requested for me to take care of the tribe if something should happened to him. And this position is only to be replaced by a male, not female, so I'm ducking alot of arrows. I have never been so tired, confused, scared, lonely, and mentally drained before in my life. I want my father back! I want my husband back! I want my daughter back! I know God is carrying me at this time, because he keeps pushing me forward and blessing me with incrediable strength. But there's moments when I 'm tired of being so strong. I don't know how to handle all that has been put on my plate. I'm trying to be strong for everybody, my brothers, my family, my tribe and my daughter. I want to scream, I had to sell my business, because I'm not able to keep up with it. My brothers have fallen apart, so I trying to keep them functioning, I'm taking care of the entire tribe at this time and that is another reason for the security guard, because some decisions I have made, have a few indians not to happy. I'm handling my fathers large estate and home. I'm trying to keep my life in control and I'm trying to keep my daughter's life in some sort of balance. I just want to crawl into a corner and scream. And I have a security guard who stands over 6'7" and is constantly singing the theme from the Love Boat. Reason #574, why I'm close to the edge.

I just want God to bring my father's soul and spirit, peace. I don't know how I am going to be able to go on without him. But I don't want him to hang on and suffer. I want to tell him it's ok to leave me, but I can't. I just can't!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I just can't!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I took the day off from everything to be a mom and Sophia is glad to have me home, but Mr. Love Boat keeps giving me the count down, its close to boarding a plane, so I'll be next to my father to watch him sleep and then a red eye home.

The guilt is tremendous, how is all of this effecting Sophia. She tells me she is ok and she loves the nanny and she is glad that I'm there when she wakes up and goes to sleep. But its not enough for me. I miss my daughter.

All thoughts and actions have just become so jumbled.

I see many years of therapy coming my way or the Jerry Springer Show.

Reason #575, why I'm close to the edge, Candy Pants, told me she would run things at my home to help me, if need be!!!!!!!!!!

Need I say more!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sophia and I spent all day Saturday playing in the pool and Saturday night we dressed and attended our usual family dinner with my husband's family. For the first time, I can say I had a good time.

On Sunday, we got up early to hit the trails to go quad riding. My daughter and her quest for speed, facsinates me and scares me at the sametime. As the dirt bikers were passing her, I could see the look in her eyes, it's coming soon, "Mom, I want a dirt bike" We came home in the afternoon, just in time for her to catch up with the skateboarders. And then it was time for rollerblading and me running behind her screaming slow down. The evening ended with the neighborhood kids and parents infront of my home, cleaning the dirt bikes and quads. All was well in the neighborhood and then the skies darkened and you know what is coming. The only sound to be heard was Candy Pants and little Good-n-plenty walking towards my home in matching high heel pink shoes. Singing the song "pop, lock and drop it" Yes, she has recovered from her depression and she's making up for the lost time. Me being the idiot that I am, I'm whispering to everybody to be nice. Candy Pants and mini me, approach wearing matching outfits, lovely pink tops and matching demin skirts, both cut up to their bermuda triangles. Candy Pants, expresses the fact that she feels left out in this neighborhood. I politely smile and continue to help my daughter clean her quad. In the meantime one of the parents orders pizza for everyone. My stomach begins to ache, because I'm just getting a feeling to take cover. So I quickly put the quad in the garage and tell Sophia to stay as close to mommy as possible. The small talk continues, the pizza is delivered, everybody seems happy. Then the lightning hits, I hear Candy Pants, scream "Lets turn this party up a notch, come on good-n-plenty" They start singing and dancing and pizza starts flying and then kids running and screaming! I hear a father scream "are you f------ crazy!" That's my clue to get Sophia in the house. I look and I want to vomit, mommy and daughter are dancing together, but both of them forgot to put on their underwear. Now a fight starts between Candy Pants and several other parents, expressing the fact that they are sick and tired of looking at Candy Pants and her cat box. And her reply was we are just jealous. The yelling match is getting out of hand and all I know is one of the men in the neighborhood grabs her to try to calm her down and get her home. I look out of the corner of my eye and there is good-n-plenty squatting over the untouched pizza, peeing. At this point I had to sit down and laugh, it never fails. As mama and daughter are being dragged home, I look and Candy Pants is kicking and screaming all the way, more exposed then anyone wants to see and much to my surprise with Candy Pants spread full eagle, I couldn't believe it, I spotted and saw Amelia Earhart and her missing plane. Just Kidding.

Before school ended I gave Sophia a class pool party. the reason for this story is because it has been bothering me, since then. One child, who came was from Africa. And when he entered the backyard, all the kids started to say "yum yum" show us one of your "yum yum's!" Well this seven year old proudly removed his shirt and every parent including me put our hands over our mouths. This little boy had a belly button that was just hanging. It had to be over 6-7 inches long. His mother very proudly told us that in their tribe in Africa, the male with the biggest yum yum's gets more cattle and a better pick of wives. This is where you use your imagination she called his belly button a yum, but when discussing her tribe, she speaks of another yum, get the picture "yum yum's" Where do you think the other yum is? You got it!!! She pulled him to a corner of the pool and pulled his swimsuit down. It's one of those experiences where you look, you stare, but in the pit of your stomache you know, you should turn away, but you can't. This little boy had the a long yum. He stood there so proudly and his mother was beaming with pride. I was shocked and alittle sick to my stomache. Don't get me wrong, a big yum on a male is a whole different story, but this is a child. After he showed off both of his yum yum's he proudly ran off to play. His mother told us that each summer they return to their tribe in Africa where a ceremony is performed to enlarge his yum yum's. How is this done, a incision is made at the base of each yum and a pebble is inserted. I'm not judging a custom I no nothing of. but it troubles me that this child has to experience this, there has got to be a pain level beyond belief that goes along with this tradition. I don't know, I just keep thinking about it. I know many men would like a chance to have a big yum, but what price do you have to pay to get it. Is a better cow or better wife worth it. And then I had to sit Sophia down at the end of the evening to explain to her, that this child better not ever show her his second yum.

GI Joe, has been gone for a week now. Its been a very hard adjustment for Sophia and I. We are keeping as busy as possible. But I feel like I'm in a state of depression, I'm feeling so lonely. Even though my mother in law runs in everyday and Sophia is running everywhere. It just feels wierd. And not knowing where he is, when he's coming home and whether or not he's safe, is playing a large part in it. I have a hint where he could be, just by watching the news, which has me alittle nervous. But he's out there doing his job for our country.

Hope everybody is well and doing ok. Angie, my love, congrats on your new job!!!!!

Thank you for all of your get well wishes. The hard cast is off, the soft cast is on. Hopefully I can get back to the bakery this week, its my busy time with 4th of July several days away.

School is out and Sophia is home with me. I love every moment that I get to spend with her. My biggest joy is just sitting back and watching her be her. She was excited to get off the bus the last day of school to see her lollipop tree had grown and was filled with lollipops. She spends her mornings being home schooled and then she is enjoying her days in the pool with all of her friends.

GI Joe is getting ready to leave in a week, I don't know when he will be back, its usually several months. So I'm dealing with alot of emotional stuff now. Sophia goes through alot of changes with him gone also. Plus not having him around will bring out all of the male piranha's in the neighborhood. So for several months, I'm going to be the salmon trying to swim up stream with all the male salmon behind me. I'm going to have to diguise my scent. GI Joe and his brother are spending all their time beefing up security around the house. To me it looks like they are installing land mines. I just sit back and laugh. And then GI Joe, expresses the fact that I have got to start taking life more serious. I'm laughing because I know I'm the one who is going to step in whatever they are doing. And I had no ideal the enemy was taking interest in my house.

Call me stupid, but I have been taking care of Candy Pants for acouple of weeks. I did show her the tape and she apologized greatly about what happened. I will never trust her and she will never be welcomed into my home again. But several weeks ago her 20 yr old boyfriend left her. So she is not getting out of bed and not going to work. Her kids are outside not supervised roaming the neighborhood. So I'm taking care of her kids for her and doing whatever I can to get her up and functioning again. I am just so sad for her two kids, who need a mommy now and mommy is not responding. I am really worried about her, because I have never seen her this way, believe me she is suffering, she's wearing underwear!!!!!!!!!!!

Well let me run, GI Joe has just passed the window with a chainsaw strapped to him. Life is never dull in a gated community.

Hope all is well with everyone. I have not been able to post at this time, because the doctor keeps informing me, that my arm is not healing properly, because I'm not listening. So one of his orders is to stay off the computer for 2 weeks and then he'll remove the cast and put on a soft cast. I have one more week to go. My problem is that I have always done the opposite of what I was told. Oh, well, we'll see. But I have so much to tell!!!!